Meaning Of Life
by saniker
Summary: Lorelai is sick and Jess walks into Rory's life. Set five years ago.
1. Quintessence

Date: November 19, 2002

My mother, Lorelai Gilmore, the most fun, care-free, free-spirited, extroverted and gregarious person that I know, had cancer. I am sitting here at the hospital, near my mothers bed because she was terminally ill and this is how I found out.

Date: November 16, 2002

I got a phone call from Luke, I was in Washington with Paris. It was 1 pm and the phone rang while I was writing notes for my next debate.

"Hello? Rory? It's Luke."  
"Oh hey Luke. What's up?"  
"Are you busy?" He said kind of panicky sounding.

"Not really. What's wrong?"  
"It's your mother."  
"What about my mom?"

"I'm in the hospital."

"WHAT!? What do you mean in the hospital? What's wrong?!"  
"I'm not sure yet. The doctors think it's just food poisoning. She has the symptoms, nausea, vomiting, abdominal cramping, and diarrhea."  
"You think she's okay?"  
"I hope. I'm sure she is. Lorelai's strong and only 34 years old."  
"Okay. Tell her that I'll be back there in a couple of hours. I'm getting on the next plane out of here, if I can find one."  
"No Rory, its fine. I'll take care or her."  
"I have to be there, I have to know what exactly is wrong with her."  
"Okay then. Bye."

"Bye."

I started packing. I didn't even fold my clothes. I just dumped everything I had in the suitcase. All that kept going through my head was "Is she going to be okay?" " Oh, god what will happen to her?" 

I wrote a note to Paris, a note with one sentence:

_Gotta go, sorry, I'll explain everything when you get back._

No time to put in the details. I left the room and headed to the nearest airport. Bellingham International Airport. I waited for an hour since the flight from Washington to New Haven was delayed. I finally boarded the plane at 3:45. I hated that. I wanted to get there as fast as I could. An hour or so later, I arrived at Tweed-New Haven Airport. I caught a cab from New Haven to Stars Hollow. I think that it might've been rude for me to just throw the money at the cab driver. I got my luggage out of the cab and just went to the hospital. It wasn't very crowded since there aren't many people living around the area.

"Rory Gilmore?" a nurse asked me.

"Yes, where is my mother?"  
"There are a few things we need to tell you before you see your mother."  
"Okay."  
I started to really worry. Something was wrong. I felt it in my stomach.

"Just sit here and wait for a while, I'll call the doctor."  
"O...k…a…y.."

A minute later, a young doctor, mid thirties, thin, bad posture, hair which I couldn't decide was either blond or brown, with a look in his eyes that meant he was going to bring me really bad news.

"Ms. Gilmore?"  
"Yeah that's me." I faked a smile.

"I'm doctor Jeff Mitchell." his soft voice said. He sounded like he had a lisp but not quite.

"Good afternoon Dr. Mitchell."

"Uh your mother…"He sat down right beside me.

"…your mother has…" He couldn't break the news to me. He didn't want to because he knew it would hurt me, badly.

"She has cancer."  
I leaned forward not facing him, I put my face in my hands and I started to cry. But he went on.

"Stomach cancer. Advanced stages. Symptoms are: Indigestion discomfort or pain in the abdomen; nausea and vomiting; diarrhea or constipation; loss of appetite; fatigue; bleeding. Which is why we mistook it for food poisoning."

I didn't say anything. I just cried harder, I saw my tears fall to my luggage. He handed me a box of tissue and patted me on the back. After a while, he stood up and said "tell me when you're ready to see her." He sat behind the desk and watched me. He was a kind doctor. For one, he didn't tell me everything was going to be fine since he knew that it wasn't going to be and that it's just tacky to say that, and two, he didn't ask me if I was okay since I am obviously not.

I finally gathered the courage to stand up and wipe my face. The minute I stood up, Dr. Mitchell stood up and lead me to her room. We headed through double doors and then the elevator. Nurse Collins took my luggage and set it aside. This was so surreal.

Dr. Mitchell hit 3 on the elevator buttons. He looked at me with his green eyes and smiled. The doors opened and we stepped out. We passed several rooms and stopped in front of room 312. I will hate that number forever.

"You ready?" He asked.

"Yeah I'm ready."

He opened the door for me and there she was. lying there, sick.

"Mom!" I ran to her and hugged her.

"Hey hon."

Then sitting next to her was Luke.

"Hey Rory." He said.  
"Hi Luke" I saw his face. It was as red as an apple. He cried for her. In all the years that I've known Luke, I've never seen him cry for anyone.

Dr. Mitchell was looking down thinking of what to say. Then a minute later he looked up.

"Ms. Gilmore, I'd like to discuss your options."

"Options?"  
"To treat your, ailment." He was very careful not to use the word cancer.  
"Oh."

"Yeah. There's Chemotherapy, where in you will take in cytotoxic drugs. Another is Radiation therapy is the medical use of ionizing radiation as part of illness treatment to control malignant cells. And there's Hormonal therapy or oncology. It involves the manipulation of the endocrine system through exogenous administration of specific hormones, particularly steroid hormones."

"Uhm Rory could you get me some water please."  
"Sure."

She wanted me out of the room, its as simple as that.

(In Lorelai's Room) 

"Dr. Mitchell, I am not going to treat this cancer."  
"What?" Luke and Dr. Mitchell said together.

"Lorelai that's crazy!" Luke said.

"Its not crazy, Luke! Dr. Mitchell please. No one tells Rory. It will kill her. No pun intended."  
"Ms. Gilmore I strongly advice against that. Its not yet in the late stages, you can still fight it."  
"I don't want to. I want to have hair while I'm still here. I don't want to be bald and dizzy all the time, having extreme migraines. I don't want to."

"Then you'll have to sign an AMA form."

"An AMA form?" Lorelai asked.

"Against medical advice."  
"Oh, okay."

I walked in after a while.

"Sorry I took so long ma, the water bottle they had at the dispenser ran out, I hat to wait for them to bring in a new one."  
"Its okay."  
I had to ask. "So, have we decided how to treat this thing?"  
"Yeah, chemo." Mom replied quickly.

"Uh, yeah. I'll just get some forms for you to fill out." Dr. Mitchell said

"Chemo huh? Looks like we're going shopping for wigs!" I joked.

"Yeah" Mom laughed. Then Luke laughed.

And for a moment, everyone in the room was happy. That was nice.


	2. Precipitousness

Date: November 17, 2002

Time: 3:00 am

Luke and I agreed to take shifts in the hospital. He takes the first twelve hours of the day and I take the next. We did this so that we'd have time to sleep. My consumption of coffee was way too much. I was an insomniac walking around Stars Hollow. I decided to go to Luke's. The house was too sad and lonely with out my mother. It was so cold, I was red.

I really didn't expect anyone to be at the diner at this time of the day. But to my surprise there was. A figure, 5'7 black leather jacket. The figure stepped into the light and I recognized the face. Was I dreaming? No, I wasn't this was true. Something finally went right in my life. I ran to him.

"Jess!" I yelled.

He looked so surprised to see me. His eyes widened and he opened his arms wide.

"Rory! Its great to see you."  
"Yeah you to." 

So I walked forward and hugged him. A friendly hug. Then he let go.

"What are you doing here? I thought you left." I said.

"Yeah. I just… wanted…." He mumbled.

"What?"  
"Nothing. What are you doing here? It's so early in the morning."

"Uhm yeah. Actually it's my mom."  
"What? What happened? Is she alright."  
"Not really."

"What's wrong?"  
"She has…. cancer."  
"Cancer?"  
"Cancer."  
"Oh, god Rory I'm so sorry."  
"It's not your fault."  
"I know, I just don't know what to say. I'm so….."

Jess leaned in and kissed my forehead.

"Best of luck to her, I'm positive that Lorelai will kick this cancer's ass."  
"Yeah" I giggled.

"It's really cold, you want to come in?"  
"Uh, sure."

Jess let me in the diner, and very politely opened held the door opened for me.

"Thanks." I said.

"Sure."

(At the Hospital)

"Luke."  
"Yeah?"

"I don't want to die." Lorelai stated. She started to cry.

"I know, you're not going to." Luke sat on her bed and held her hand as she cried.

She saw her life flash before her eyes. She cried and cried. She thought of all the placed she'd never see, Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia, Antarctica. She really wanted to go to Paris, see the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, see the Mona Lisa, The Sistine Chapel, the Vatican, see the Pieta by Michael Angelo. Go to Asia and climb the Great Wall of China, See the Lincoln Memorial, Mount Rushmore, take a picture in the Arc de Triomphe and show it to Sookie, see the Taj Mahal go to Switzerland just for the hell of it.

She was only 34 years old. Not even a milestone. She had wasted so many days of her life doing absolutely nothing.

Dr. Mitchell came in and brought with him a bottle of pills.

"Ms. Gilmore."

She looked up.

"What's that?" She asked.

"Medicine."

"No, I don't want it."

"Please, Ms. Gilmore, try it for just one month, please."

"One month? Of complete pain? NO! I don't want to do that."  
"Please Lorelai. Take it, think of Rory. You are the only thing she has." Luke spoke.

She looked up for a while and opened her hands.

"Fine. One month. but the second I get a major migraine, I'm throwing them away."

"Deal." 

Time: 11:00 am

My alarm woke me up. I had such a great time with Jess. For about an hour, I totally forgot about my mom's condition. I brushed my teeth, washed my face and dressed up. I went to Luke's to look for Jess. No one was there, the diner closed for a while. Fortunately, I knew were the spare key was. I let myself in. I went up too their apartment and knocked on the door.

"What? Who is it?" Jess asked

"It's me."

"Rory?" Jess opened the door.

"Hi, sorry did I wake you. No, I was just going to go to you."  
"Oh, okay. Do you want to… uhm….. come with me? To the hospital?"  
"Sure."

Jess and I drove to the hospital. We didn't say much on the way to the hospital.

Nurse Collins greeted me at the entrance of the hospital. Leaving I guess.

"Good morning Ms. Gilmore and uh… sir."  
"Good morning nurse Collins." I greeted.  
"Please call me Nevina."  
"Okay, Nevina."

"And who is this we have here, boyfriend?"  
"Uh. sure. This is Jess Mariano."  
"Oh, nice. Anyway, I have to go. Bye."

"Bye."

Jess looked at me with a funny face.

"What?"

"Boyfriend?"   
"Doesn't necessarily mean involved, more of my guy friend."  
"Okay. I wonder why nurse Collins is here." Jess said.

"What do you mean, she works here."  
"No I mean, she's not from here, she's Irish."  
"Really? How do you know?"  
"Nevina Collins is definitely an Irish name." 

Nurse Nevina Collins had bright blond hair. She looked a little like Maureen O'Hara.

We headed through the same set of double doors that Dr. Mitchell and I entered yesterday. I pressed number 3, we went out and through the long hall. Then we arrived 312. déjà vu.

I went in with a very very fake smile on my face.

"Hey mom! Look who's here it's…"  
"Jess! Hey, great to see you."

"Yeah, I brought something for you." He said.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Here." He got a box out of his jacket and handed it to her.

"How did you manage to buy that?" I asked.

"Uh, I've kinda been up since eight in the morning."  
"Wow that's so nice Jess." I said

"Thanks. Thank you so much, come here." Mom said.

"Oh okay."

Jess hugged mom. I guess she's finally okay with him.

"You know what, I'll open this at home." Mom said  
"Home?" I asked.

"Yeah, doctors are discharging me today. Luke's inside the bathroom, packing some stuff I brought, toothbrush, toothpaste, make up." She laughed

"Mom!"

"You don't know. I'm sick but I still look good."  
I laughed hard at that.

"What? Who'd you think you'd get? Dr. Mitchell?" I said.

"Why not? He's not ugly at all."  
"Yeah, I know, he's the furthest thing from it but still."  
"Still what?"  
"It's weird dating your doctor."

"Not if he looks like Dr. Mitchell."

Then we all laughed.

"So has grandma stopped by?" I asked.  
"No, and I don't expect her to."

"Why not?"  
"Because she doesn't know."  
"What?!"

"Rory, hon, I don't want her to know. She'll be there, you know, all the time. Bugging me, giving me headaches, making my cancer worse, I don't need that. So you are not telling her."  
"Okay, fine."

Then Luke came out, holding mom's bag.

"Hey, Jess."  
"Hey."

Then Dr. Mitchell came in and brought in a wheelchair.

"Here." He said pointing to the chair.

"What's that doing here? I'm walking out."  
"Just sit mom."  
"Fine."

Mom tried to get up, then Dr. Mitchell rushed to her and helped her.

"Blushing, blushing." I said.

Dr. Mitchell giggled a bit and started to get red. I found that hilarious.

Dr. Mitchell rolled mom to the elevator and down. While Luke held her things and Jess… well Jess and I exchanged looks from time to time.

Then we reached the exit of the hospital, mom got up and we all said goodbye to Dr. Mitchell.

"Okay, I'll go with Luke, and you two go together." mom said.

"Okay."

Jess drove me home and when I was about to get out he gave me a really big smile and kissed me on the cheek.

"Uh, bye…see you tomorrow." I said.  
"Bye." He said.

I got out and on my way to the door, I couldn't stop smiling. I smiled so big and I was blushing.

I went into my room and laid down on my bed.

"Oh no." I can't stop thinking about him.


	3. Labyrinth

Date: November 18, 2002

Time: 10:00 am

My alarm went off. It's November 18 and Paris is probably packing her stuff leaving Washington tomorrow. How was I to explain how I just completely abandoned her in D.C? I don't want to tell her that my mom's sick, we (Luke, Jess, Mom and I) all agreed to keep it between the four of us, excluding Dr. Mitchell and Nurse Collins.

I went outside into the kitchen. I wasn't hungry, but I haven't eaten for two days. So I got up and started cleaning the house. Oh god was the place a mess. I wonder why we never cleaned it. I started in the kitchen. Empty the trash. I opened the bin and found one of those orange bottles, things that contain the medicine pills the doctor prescribes you. Lorelai Gilmore, it said. Pain killers. It was a full bottle, hasn't even been touched. Why is it here? I heard footsteps.

"Honey? Up yet? Let's get something to eat from Luke's"

I hid the bottle in the pocket of my jogging pants.

"Yeah sure let me just get dressed."  
"Okay."

I got dressed rather quickly. I wanted to ask her why she threw away the pain killers. How can someone endure that much pain through chemo?

"Let's go." I said

"Sure."

Mom and I walked there rather slowly. My excuse for her is that it was cold.

"Well, that dumb chemotherapy ain't getting to me yet, see, I still have my beautiful black hair. I'm walking, I have no migraines. It goes great with those pain killers Dr. Mitchell gave me. He told me that I would experience headaches and nausea from time to time but still. It works like a charm."  
"Really? Why'd I find it in the trash a while ago? It hasn't even been touched."  
"What?" mom violently reacted.

"Why are you lying to me, ma?"  
"Oh, no."  
"What? What is it? Tell me because I really don't get it."

At this point we were already near Luke's

"Honey not here, not now please."  
"Mom, please. Is there something I should know?"  
"Fine. I am… not….. going…… to …….take……the….._chemotherapy."_

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to fight it Rory!"  
"Mom…"  
"Enough! Let's just eat."

Mom went ahead into Luke's it's the fight or flight response. Mom took the flight response.

I went to Andrew's bookstore. I found a small dark corner and started to cry. If she didn't take the chemo…she'd die.

Well I guess he saw me go in another direction because a few minutes later Jess came in. He sat right next to me and hugged me. For five minutes, we were just there, sitting together. When I finally stopped crying. I looked at him.

"You know your mom's been looking for you."

"I know."

I stared at him longer. He leaned in about to kiss me but I idiotically broke it. So close!

"Sorry." He said

"I have to uh, lets go back."

"Okay."

I ran out of there, butterflies in my stomach. I didn't wait for him to come out. I was too afraid to look at him. I just ran to the diner.

"There you are!" mom said

"Yeah, I just saw a book in the shop that was half off, looked interesting."   
"Okay." Mom saw the truth in my eyes.

"I ordered us lunch."  
"I'm not that hungry."  
"Come on, just eat with me a while."  
"Actually, I have to go home, call Paris."  
"Sure. Go."  
"Bye." 

Again I ran. Ran home. I sat down staring, at absolutely nothing. Lost in oblivion. Pondering…pondering. Before I knew it, it was 3:00. I had been thinking for over an hour and a half. god! I was being so dramatic!

_Look at yourself Rory! For shame! Your mother needs you, especially now, when you know she's dying. Face the reality Rory! _

"WHAT AM I DOING?" Mom isn't even home yet!

WHERE IS SHE?

Then keys...I heard……..Luke and mom……….laughing……….happy……….door opens.

"Hey honey."  
"Hi mom."

I ran to her and hugged her. I faced the reality………….face the music…….just go with it…..walk through the fire……..

"I brought home the food. Luke was nice enough to drive me home."  
"Thanks Luke."  
"Yeah, no problem."  
"You want to stay for a while?" Mom asked.

"No, I'd love to but I have to run the diner, can't leave Jess alone, he might burn it down."

We all laughed.

Then Luke left. I hope mom isn't mad. She looked relaxed on the couch.

"Want coffee?" I asked.

"With omelet and bacon?"  
"Sure. You eat it almost everyday."  
"Yeah now the thought of it kind of makes me queasy."

"Oh okay. Ill heat the food."  
"Okay."

I came back with the food on the plate and a movie. Casablanca. Classic, black and white, long and tragic, perfect.

"Here, eat something, ma."  
"Okay."

I put in the movie, sat on the couch and started to eat. The first bite mom took was a fairly big one, actually kind of small. But the minute she swallowed, she went to the bathroom and threw up.

"Mom? are you okay?"  
"I'm fine. Get me some water." I heard from upstairs.

I got up, and got some cold water. I was about to set the glass down and then I heard a big "THUD"

"Mom!" I yelled.

"MOM!" I yelled even louder.

I ran up to the bathroom and the toilet had blood in it. Mom threw up blood. She was on the floor.

"MOM! Oh my god!"

I called Luke.

"LUKE GET OVER HERE NOW! MOM NEEDS TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL."

I just slammed the phone on the charger and quickly hauled my mom over to the porch. As soon as I got there, Luke, speeding, was there.

"Oh my god what happened."  
"I don't know."

I put mom in the car and Luke drove us as fast as he could to the hospital.

I ran inside and yelled help as Luke carried mom inside.

"Someone, help my mom please."

Dr. Mitchell, assisted by a new nurse came running to us. The put mom on a gurney and took her away.

Luke and I sat down, I started to panic. I was crying my eyes out. The new nurse came up to us.

"Hello, I am nurse Hannigan."

Nurse Hannigan was much prettier than curse Collins. She reminded me so much of Nicole Kidman. But she looked much colder than nurse Collins.

"Do you happen to know where the other nurse is? Nurse uhm… Collins?"  
"She's getting married today."  
"Really?"  
"Yeah, soon to be one Mrs. Byrne."

At least someone got their happily ever after.

"Wow. Good for her."

I nodded off a little, they were taking forever. Luke was panicking, standing up, walking around, crying. He loved her to tell you the truth. It hurt him a little yesterday to find that mom has a little crush on her own doctor, his faced practically dropped.

I fell asleep on the couch then someone shook me a little to wake me up.

"Rory, Rory, wake up."  
"Hey, Dr. Mitchell what's up?"  
"Your mother is doing fine."

He sat near me as I sat up.

"What happened to her?"  
"She cant eat any solid food. The cancer is getting really bad. Getting the most of her. We have to liquefy her food and feed it to her through a tube."  
"Oh…..that's…..bad."  
"Yeah. Your father's in there talking to your mother."  
"My father?"

"Yeah, tough guy, backwards baseball cap and he's wearing a checkered t-shirt."  
"No, that's not my dad. My dad is……my dad's in Boston."  
"Really? Your parents are….."  
"Separated? Yeah."  
"Is my mom going to be okay?"

"Right now, it's hard to say. Just pray she will be."

"I do." 

I felt so lost. In a maze, stuck, no where to go, no exit.

"Right now Rory, we have to keep your mother here. Until she gets better. She has to be here."  
"She can't go home? Why not?!"  
"Because if she goes home, she wont get better. There aren't enough machines or medicine to support her."  
"Did you give her pain killers?"  
"What?"  
"Sorry, just out of the blue, did you give her those pain killers?"  
"Yes, she was supposed to take them."  
"If she didn't take them, would that affect her in any way?"  
"Most probably. Listen, uhm, I have to get back to work, do you want me to tell the nurses to set up a cot for you to sleep in?"  
"Sure, thanks."

The nurses brought in a cot, pillows and a blanket. But with my mother there, dying, I don't think I'd be able to sleep.

I feel so lost………….


	4. Jeunes Maries

Date: November 19, 2002

My mother, Lorelai Gilmore, the most fun, care-free, free-spirited, extroverted and gregarious person that I know, had cancer. I am sitting here at the hospital, near my mothers bed because she was terminally ill.

Mom woke up. I was just there, reading a book, I convinced the doctors to let me stay past visiting hours.

"Hey kid."  
"Hi mom."  
"Don't cry now okay."  
"Okay."   
"I need you to do me something."

"Okay."

"You see the paper bag there? Get it for me please."  
"'kay."

I stood up and got it. It had my name in big letters RORY LEIGH GILMORE.

"Okay don't open it now."  
"When do I open it then?"  
"You'll know. It'll come, soon."  
"okay…"

I knew what she meant. I wanted to cry. A river of tears. But she said not know.

"Hey, Rory I forgot to tell you something, something big!"

Mom was so pale and thin. She hadn't eaten in days. She just threw up half the things she'd swallow. She tried so hard to look happy.

"What?"  
"Look." She lifted her hand and pointed to the finger. An engagement ring!  
"What's that………from who? WHAT? Wait……im confused."

"Luke."  
"LUKE? Wow! That's great!"

"Yeah. Tomorrow."  
"What? Tomorrow? You do realize that you've been together for about ten hours. That's the shortest relationship ever."  
"Actually, it's been about 11 years."  
"Really? Known each other that long?"  
"Yes!"

"Okay, now that that's settled, what' in this bag?"

"Everything you'll ever need."

"Really? How could you have fit it all into this bag?"

"Trust me, it's all there." 

"Okay."

Mom closed her eyes. She slept silently………no snoring this time.

Date: November 20, 2002

I came home late last night. I am so tired. School's going to start in a week. God, I really don't want to go back to school.

I walked to Luke's. It's closed, I remember, he closed it until Lorelai gets better. Today' their wedding. Mom says a priest can come there to the hospital, she wont have to get up.

I arrived at the hospital a little after twelve thirty. I went up to mom's room. She was sitting up and Luke was there holding her hand. A priest stood in front of them and almost the whole hospital staff was in her big room watching the ceremony. Oops, was I late? 

Time: 1:00 pm

The ceremony was good, Luke's speech was beautiful. I went up to mom.

"Cool, Mrs. Luke Danes." I teased.  
"I know right!"

"I know it's a little rushed. But, now's a better time than any." Luke said.

I really didn't care. My only worry was that next week I'd be standing near a casket, wearing black and giving a eulogy.

I brought a camera with me. I asked Dr. Mitchell to take a picture of all of us. Luke in a tux, mom in a white wedding dress, and me in a not so formal black dress.

Im gonna keep the picture forever. The newlywed and their kid.

"Hey, kid teach me some of that French you say you got an A in, what's newlywed in French?" mom asked.

"jeunes maries."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I wish the room would clear up a bit, everyone's like still here."

"Yeah."

Dr. Mitchell cam up to mom.

"Congratulations! I must say im a bit jealous." He joked

"Really now?"  
"Yeah."

We all laughed at that.

Then it hit me, where's Jess?

"Luke, where's Jess?"  
"Still sleeping. He'll be here at around 2:00."  
"Oh, okay."

I decided to nap a bit after all the doctors and nurses cleared the room.

2:00 couldn't come around any sooner because when I opened my eyes, Jess was just standing there talking to mom. Wait, why were they talking? Mom hates Jess I think.

"Hey, what's up?"

"Nothing much." Mom said.

"Hey." Jess said.

"Hi."

"Why don't you two take a walk, I need to talk to Luke."

"Okay." I said

Jess and I talked a lot. And I mean a lot a lot. He practically unloaded his entire life story to me. Talk was really good. We went back to the hospital, it was almost 6:00. We talked for about 4 hours. I had never had so much fun with anyone. Not even Paris talked that much.

I walked ahead.

"Wait!" He said

"What?" I turned around.

He walked up to me and kissed me. I heard the nurses at the station say awww.

"Don't leave me." He said.

"Okay." 

We went up to 312. Dr. Mitchell was standing outside the door, waiting for us. He looked really worried.

Then I had a really strange feeling in my stomach.

"Hi, Rory, Jess."  
"Hi." We said together.

"Uhm, we have to talk."

The four worst words in the English dictionary.

"What is it?"

That was a fairly stupid question since in knew exactly what it was about.  
"Your mom, Rory. She has a certain amount of time, till she passes."  
"What? How long?"  
"According to our new results from the tests we took, around…more or less… a week."  
"A week?!"

I cried. Hard.

I turned around and hugged Jess. I got his jacket all wet.

"I'm really sorry Rory." He whispered.

One week…seven days…one hundred and sixty eight hours…ten thousand eighty minutes… six hundred and four thousand eight hundred seconds.


	5. Augmented

November 21, 2002

Jess dropped me off at my house.

Don't think about it, he said. It'll only make me sadder and more depressed.

I couldn't sleep at all. This was so depressing. I didn't even cry anymore.

I wanted to open that stupid brown paper bag. What was in it? It was driving me crazy!

I went to the diner and waited for Jess.

He came running down in a blue jacket. Looked like the one I cried on.

He came out and gave a morning kiss.

"Feel better?" He asked

"I do now." 

We walked to the hospital. We were quiet this time. Jess just had his arm around me. We looked like a new couple.

Room 312. Again, doctor Mitchell was standing near the door

"Rory, Jess!"  
"What's wrong Dr. Mitchell?"  
"Your mother."  
"What?"  
"She's……………."  
"She's what?!"  
"I was wrong. I turns out. That it's not a week."  
"What?! What is it?!"  
"Your mother is… I hate to say this. She's expired."  
"Expired."

I cried so hard I almost jumped. I didn't want to enter the room.

Jess held my hand and lead me into the room.

Luke was crying. His face looked like a tomato. Then I looked to mom's bed. She looked so pale. She wasn't breathing. What am I going to do without her. I wept. What am I supposed to do now? I sobbed.

November 28, 2002

We had a funeral for her. It cost a lot. The cost for the priest, catering, casket, embalmment, hospital bill, grave plot, ceremony, and the church. Many people came.

Sookie, Jackson, Taylor, Grandma, Grandpa, Kirk, Lane, Michel, Paris, Dean, Bootsy, Mrs. Kim, Babette, Morey, Gypsy and the entire Stars Hollow I even invited Dr. Mitchell. Everyone cried, I cried harder.

I cried hardest when the buried her. Luke, Jess, Grandma, Grandpa and I all dropped white roses.

Luke, Jess and I all headed for my house. We all sat down on the couch in silence. Luke and Jess agreed to stay at my house first. I didn't want to be alone forever.

Time: 2:00 am

I woke up and I opened the brown paper bag. A yellow post it was stuck on this box.

It said: _Everything you'll ever need is in here._

I took out the box and opened it. The box was kinda heavy.

The fist thing I saw was a big white envelope. It had my name on it.

Lorelai Leigh Gilmore.

I opened the white envelope. And It had a red logo that said ve-ri-tas Veritas. It was a letter from Harvard University.

_Dear Lorelai, _

_We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted…………_

Inside I was jumping up and down. I wish I could've opened this with mom.

Then seven other big envelopes were under it.

Yale, Princeton, Columbia, Brown, Penn, Dartmouth and Cornell.

Under all the letters was a much smaller one. It said

_To: You _

_From: ME_

It was from mom. It was pretty thick.

This was going to be a tearjerker.

_Dear Rory, _

_So many things to tell you. Not enough paper to write on. If you are reading this, it means you've seen all the universities that have accepted you. I'm so proud. I really am. I wish I could give you a hug. But this is coming to you from the grave. I love you so much Rory. My favorite eighteen year old daughter. I don't know what to say except that this is the first time in a long time that we've been separated. There was this song, with really beautiful lyrics, I want to share with you._

_How much do I love you?  
_

_I'll tell you no lie  
How deep is the ocean?  
How high is the sky?  
_

_How many times in a day  
Do I think of you?  
How many roses are  
Sprinkled with dew?_

_How far would I travel  
Just to be where you are?  
How far is the journey  
From here to a star?  
_

_And if I ever lost you  
How much would I cry?  
How deep is the ocean?  
How high is the sky? _

_Right now, you're probably crying, don't. You should be so happy for me. Right? I'm in a really good place. I wish you were here. I wish I could send you a postcard everyday. I wish I could call you from here. I wish that I could be there with you. _

_I had several good talks with Jess. He told me that he loves you. That the only reason that he came back was because of you. Don't let him go. He's a keeper. He loves you. And so does Luke. They'll always be there for you. Did you know that when Luke proposed to me, he told me that it was way too soon, and it was but when he explained that it wasn't just two days that we were together, it was five years, the choice of yes seemed so much simpler. Friends first okay? Don't do anything stupid okay? _

_You know it would've been so much simpler if I taped all these things. There are so many things I have to teach you! So many things. But when it's your time, it's your time._

_Did you know that I didn't want to take my medicine because I don't want to suffer. I didn't want to be a burden to you. _

_Blackbird singing in the dead of night  
Take these broken wings and learn to fly  
All your life  
You were only waiting for this moment to arise_

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly  
Into the light of the dark black night.

Black bird singing in the dead of night  
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see  
all your life  
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly  
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night  
Take these broken wings and learn to fly  
All your life  
You were only waiting for this moment to arise ,oh  
You were only waiting for this moment to arise, oh  
You were only waiting for this moment to arise 

_Don't you just love that song? That's the only Beatles song I memorized. _

_So my blackbird, don't remember me and cry. Think of all the really good and happy memories we've had together and laugh and smile. _

_Always remember something: Learn to Live, Learn to Love, Live to Laugh and Live to Love._

_So wipe those tears away! Don't come to my grave crying. Come with a happy story to tell. I'll listen and laugh. Don't tell me how much you miss me. Because I know that not even the sky is high enough to use as an example as to how much you miss me._

_My blackbird, I know how much you love me. Multiply that by infinity, take that to the depths of forever, and that still will barely be how much I love you._

_Blackbird, do good in college okay, 'cause I'm spending a lot, and I mean a lot on the school you're going to choose. Luke'll take you. I wrote a check. Just fill in the name of the school you choose. _

_Don't study so much, have some fun, live a little. _

_Okay blackbird, my hand's getting tired. I think I'm going to stop here._

_I love you so much blackbird…_

_Love (times infinity)_

_MOM _

I had probably gone through two packs of tissue after reading that.


	6. Incommunicado

November 21, 2003

Today, it will have officially been a year since my mother's death. I chose to go to Harvard as originally planned. I keep a picture of the three of us, the day of her wedding. I miss her so much. I read the letter everyday. I've learned to deal with it. I got engaged a couple of days ago. Jess and I are living together. In my house. With Luke. He just walks to work from my, our house.

A few months after my mom died, Jess came home and found me in the bathtub, bleeding. I almost died. I wanted to join my mom. I was hospitalized for a week. Doctor Mitchell, now my personal doctor, told me the cut from the steak knife was so deep. He tried to recommend a psychologist. I declined. I lost a lot of blood. Jess cried. Luke cried.

A month later, I downed three bottles of sleeping pills. I woke up in the hospital three days later. Jess cried again. He then gave me the silent treatment for a day. I don't blame him.

I was so depressed, I sought help. Jess couldn't help me, Luke couldn't help, Dr. Mitchell couldn't help so I went to Boston for a week. I AWOL-ed Jess was so worried. I left my phone and laptop at home. I was incommunicado. I went to dad. He helped me a lot.

The day I came home, Jess hugged me so tight. He hugged me and didn't want to let go.

When he finally let go, he took me to a dark place. He told me to stand there for a while. Then he yelled "on!"

When the light's came on, we were at a Tiffany's store.

I told him before that if anyone ever proposed to me it would have to be at a Tiffany's store, just like in Sweet Home Alabama.

He told me to choose any ring that I wanted.

There were so many. So many engagement rings. I chose one that I saw before. When I was four years old, my mom took me to a Tiffany's store and pointed at this one ring. She said that to her, it was the most perfect ring. It was I "_the engagement ring"._ It was still there. I picked that one.

Jess told the clerk to give it and when she took it out and gave it to him, he kneeled down and said, I remember so clearly,

_I never thought I'd ever meet anyone that I'd fall in love with. And if I ever did, I never thought she'd be as beautiful, as sophisticated, as caring as you. But you made me realize something, all the days I spent in your room wondering if you'd leave me all alone in this world, you made me realize that I never want to leave you. You made me realize that you are my soul mate. The one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want to grow old with you. I want to have the perfect honeymoon with you. I want the perfect family with you. And if you want, will grow old with you, will have the perfect honeymoon with you, will have the perfect family with you. So Lorelai Leigh Gilmore, will you marry me?_

I thought about that letter again from my mom. She said the choice of yes seemed so much simpler because she knew that Luke was THE one.

Jess for me is THE one.

"Yes!"

He put the ring on my finger and we kissed in front of all the store clerks. They all clapped and awwww-ed.

I miss my mother so much. I recall all the time what she told me in the letter, _Learn to Live, Learn to Love, Live to Laugh and Live to Love._

I cry at home over the fact that she's gone and not coming home. But every time I go to her grave I tell her a happy story. I told her that Jess and I are engaged.

So now I hold a picture of the three of us and I put it under my pillow. I go into the kitchen with a pen and paper. The whole house is quiet. Everyone is sleeping. I open the kitchen light and sit down. Then I start to write.

_Dear Mom,_

_It has been a year, three hundred and sixty five days. I miss you so much. I always pick up the phone and dial 7-7-7 because when I was in pre school, you told me that if I ever wanted to call Whiskey, our cat that died, all I'd have to do is dial 7-7-7. You said that it was the number to heaven. Little did I know, all you did was pick up the other phone and play the recording of Whiskey's purring. I miss you so much. I know you already know that. I just have to tell you. Jess and I decided to get married on December 7. Under a blanket of snow. Winter is your favorite season. You love snow so much, I remember. _

_I went over to Lane's today. She made me listen to a song called heaven. I'll write the lyrics down. It reminds me so much of you. _

_It's been a year daddy  
I really really miss you  
Mommy says your safe now  
In a beautiful place called heaven_

Oh I'm thinking about our younger years

We had your favorite dinner tonight

there was only you and me

I ate it all up

We were young and wild and free

Even though I don't like carrots

Now nothing can take you away from me

I learned how to swim this summer

We've been down that road before

I can even open my eyes

But that's over now

While I'm under water

You keep me coming back for more

Can't you see me?

Baby you're all that I want  
When you're lying here in my arms  
I'm finding it hard to believe  
We're in heaven

I started kindergarten this year

Love is all that I need  
And I found it there in your heart  
It isn't too hard to see  
We're in heaven

I carry a picture of us  
In my Blue's Clues lunchbox

Oh once in your life you find someone

You are the greatest daddy

Who will turn your world around  
Pick you up when you're feeling down  
Now nothing can change what you mean to me

I can swing on the swing by myself

There's a lot that I could say  
But just hold me now

Even though I miss you pushing me

Cause our love will light the way

Can't you see me?

Baby you're all that I want  
When you're lying here in my arms  
I'm finding it hard to believe  
We're in heaven

I miss how you used to tickle me

And love is all that I need

Tickle my belly

And I found it there in your heart

My belly hurts

It isn't too hard to see  
We're in heaven

I try not to cry

I've been waiting for so long

Mommy says it's okay

For something to arrive  
For love to come along

I know you don't like it when I cry

Now our dreams are coming true  
Through the good times and the bad

You never wanted me to be sad

I'll be standing there by you

I try Daddy but it hurts

Baby you're all that I want

Is it true you're not coming home?

When you're lying here in my arms

Maybe someday

I'm finding it hard to believe  
We're in heaven

I can visit you in heaven, okay?

And love is all that I need  
And I've found it there in your heart  
It isn't too hard to see  
We're in heaven

It's time for me to go bed now  
I sleep with the light on  
Just in case you come home  
And kiss me good night  
I love you so much  
I miss you Daddy

_Don't you ever forget me up there okay? I love you mom!  
_

_Love,_

_Rory_

_Letter # 365_

I've written her 365 letters. One everyday since she died.

I fold the paper and put it in an envelope. I walk to the coat room and get out a big box a really big box. And I insert the 365th letter in the box. I go up to my mom's room occupied by Jess. 

Luke said he'd take the couch. He said we shouldn't share a room before getting married.

I lay down beside Jess and I hug him.

We fall asleep and I dream, for the first time, I dream about something happy. I dreamed of Jess in a tux and me in a white dress. Everyone is there. I walk to the altar and by the "I do's", my dream is over.

The dream is over.

THE END


End file.
